Gaining peace in mind...

Been a few days since i've last write up any entries here. Quite a turmoil in my life lately...mostly depressing... :(

1stly, my application for sponsorship to Monash Uni was turned down. I was told that it was a basic nursing degree & they wanted me to do a degree specialising in paeds...& the only place that offers such degrees is the Uks. But i'm just wondering why i have to do so...the course that i took in Spore is a specialised one & its the same modules that the unis in Uks are offering. Why waste my time doing things that i have done & in fact its just gonna waste govt's money. Though in Uk, i would be offered a full time course for 2 yrs & in Monash i was offered a 3 yrs course, i would prefer going to Monash. Monash have allowed me to be exempted from most of the paeds modules that they offer & i was given the choice to take up other specialised modules like neonatal to fill up the 3 yrs course. That would be better & it wont be a waste. Just imagine!! i go to uk..get exempted in most of the paeds modules there..lots of free time...im just gonna be there for the sake of being there but not fulfilling what i wanted to do. If i'm sent to Monash, though i'll be doing basic nursing degree, it would be very beneficial for me. Its been almost 9 yrs that i've not done adult nursing and other nursing specialities. If i finished my studies & if im up for promotion, i would be knowledgable in handling cases other than my own field of speciality. How do you feel if you are the nursing officer on call & running the management of the nursing aspects of the hospital but you dont have a distinct idea of how to manage cases which are not from your field? Dont you think that you would look stupid as a senior but not knowing how to do so? i would!!

Anyway..if thats what they want me to do..i guess i just have to do so...i still wanna further my studies abroad...in order for me to do so...just follow la apa yg drg mau..nda di ikut then i wont get my chances to do so...payah nyamu...i do understand that we dont usually get what we want.

Was at the beach a few days ago....lapas lepak with my frens at LRC coz durang involve in the exhibition thingy di sana. After mendangani durang skajap & memanyap those displayed items, i sat at the beach...thinking abt my life...my career & everything that was encircling my life masa ani...since i had my camera with me so i just took snaps here & there but this picture of the beach just caught my attention. So calm...so peaceful...so smoothing to my eyes...How i wish my life is as calm & peaceful as the picture...but whats life without its ups & downs...bukan kehidupan namanya tu..nda ja?!! Hehe...Ntah ah sometimes i just feel that my life is just being quite unlucky but bila di pikirkan, there are quite a number of the 'ups' moments...those moments slalunya buat me appreciate me being myself...& most of the 'down's events have made me who i am..stronger but yet not strong enough..thats how i feel la abt myself.... Honestly there are times that i regretted living but i tried my best not to think abt that so much...krg gila ku..hehe..but andang jua udah aku ani gila...thats what most of my frens tell me..coz durang slalu liat me as the jovial person..aka happy-go-lucky lad...but whats inside of me..no one knows how i truly feel...the feeling of being unwanted, love deprived, useless and ada jua masanya unworthy of having happiness in this world. Lului plg rasanya kalau me pikirkan abt those stuff but thats just me. But 1 thing for sure..i dont mix my inner feelings with work...at work..im that so called cheerful, fun & at times sarcastic person...haha...laser bah mulut ani...but laser pun..baik kali ah...Baik kah?!! kwang3x!!!

Going on nite shift later...krg lagi menyambung my entry...kalau nda bz la d wad atu...children's ward..very un predictable..krg tah ku tangas pintu emergency d bawah atu..supaya nada kanak2 sakit datang...mcm banar bah me atu..hehe..anyway later peeps!!

Cutie Angels In My Heart

Don't they look like the cutest cuddly kids that one could ever love? When i'm feeling kinda down, they will always manage to put back the smile on my face. Lola..Anis..Danish...Love All Of You So So Much.....

Enough is ENOUGH...Here I come....

Raging anger inside of me? Why one may ask? Thats how i've been feeling the past few days...Tried my best to contain that emotion but i guess now is the BEST time to let everything out. Basically i have been mistreated for the kindness that i have given to ppl around me... Why are ppl doing this to me?

All my life, i have been trying my best to be Mr Nice guy to all the ppl around me especially to those ppl who were given the privilages to be someone special in my heart. Most of the time i end up being the person who gets all the hurt. I grieved and made terms with all the things & evenets that occured. I was weak & just gave in. NOT ANYMORE!! I have had enough of everything. I am the type of person who would give up everything just to make the person that i like or love or whatever that you ppl out there may call it but i do have my limits. After getting what they wanted, i'm just ignored now, unwanted & useless to those ppl who said they like me & starting to fall in love with me...URGGH!!!! Lies...ALL LIES!!...I was comfortable with my limited circles of frens..these ppl are the ones who are there & would still be there by my side especially during my ups & downs. I greatly appreciated these ppl & pls know that you all are in a very special place in my heart. You all mean everything..I really mean EVERYTHING...

Now back to those so called ppl who liked me or whatever bull that pops out of their mouth, i regretted knowing all of you. Thought that having 'you' would made my life filled with colours & sweetness of the world but NAH!! it just just too good to be true.. Maybe there was a momentarily glitch in your neuronal system that made 'you' went cuckoo...which i'm really praying hard you would be the world's worst 'cuckoo'. All of 'you' knew that if someone is good to me, i would be doubled or better in devoting myself to the friendship or relationship but if that person hurts me without any apparent reasons, i can be the newly found HE-DEVIL that the world has ever known. They obviously wanted to see the devil in me so for all of 'you', here it comes. Crawling & tearing each & every dignity that 'you' may have. My goal is now to just keep my life going, making myself happy but at the same time i'm just gonna plan my next moves in making those 'you' a hell of a life. Don't expect any kindness from me coz there wou'nt be any for 'you'. Being cruel and sarcastic would be the In-thing for me now but only to them. Play with fire & will definitely get a stronger one in return. Me ani nda pulang mudah penyampai hati but kalau udah kana buat mcm ani..yes i would do it. Pebaik tah urang atu ampai2 dying & asking for my help, i would just let them rot to death for all i care. Kalau udah jahat atu..baik tah ku jahat berabis. Done a whole lot of sins in my life so adding one more would just be nothing for me. Sama jua me sendiri yang tanggung. I hate myself having to treat ppl like this but 'you' made me to do so. Its just not my nature & against my principles in life but what the hack!! Just do what i've got to do & be done with it. I'm still giving them chances to explain their actions but these chances have their time limits so better start thinking of how & what to say coz once im fed up...i'll be a machine gun aiming each & every word that comes out of my mouth to 'you' as my target.

Non-sleepy Morning..AGAIN!!

Back from work this morning...suppose to be doing what the picture shows...but NOT!! Selalu bah macam ani a couple of times so got used to it plg hehe. The baby sleeps so soundly & so so cute & cuddly...kinda like me...hehe...BANAR!!...sama tu usulku kalau ku tido....YA Think!! rite?!!!

Was looking at my friendster account...viewing those 'friends' that i've added. Most of them are those that have requested to be added on my friends' list but have no communication whatsoever with them. Well that's cyberworld. Cant be bothered actually as long as they dont disturb me & my life...so be it.

Work was ok last night. One of our old patient was admitted due to his chronic condition. The last time is saw him when a few months ago & he was quite ok. Still manage to throw me a smile though he was in pain while i took some blood sample from him. Cried for a while that time but he knows that i have to do it. Still remembered when he was 1st diagnosed with the condition that he's having now. His joints esp those at his fingers were swollen, tender & moderately swolen. Thrying to entertain him coz he was kinda gloomy that day, i imitate how a penguin walked & at the same time Pingu was on tv. He managed to imitate Pingu's walk better than i did Haha!! thus i nicknamed him 'Pingu'. He usually walked around the wardusing his comfy flip flop...actually bedroom slippers with a bunny at the tip of the slippers. So so cute!! That incident would always be there in my mind....

Now he's back in the ward....BUT this time is isnt cheerful...he looks frail, so so thin....bony everywhere...was on IV fluids & monitors. The disease has affected his liver & kidneys and from the looks of things...he deteriorating...at quite a fast rate i should say. The way night he was running fever despite of the meds that my colleagues & i gave. After midnight, he woke up & asked for some fried crabsticks that his dad bought early in the evening. Ate a piece i think & went to sleep. This morning ariund 5 am to 6 am, he woke up while my colleagues were checking him. He requested his mom to take him down to the food shop at Block B's lobby czo he wanted to buy some food. I wasn't there coz i was at the counter after giving meds to other patients. Sad isnt it? It was his 4th birthday yesterday & was admitted on that day. I went to his room to see how he was doing & i just can't bear looking at him in that state..so thin..so weak...Crystal of tears started to form & before they could be obviously seen, i walked out of the room & tried my best to keep them from falling. I know that i should be strong & should be immune to such situations after the years that i've worked with children & babies that were very sick. With him, its just different. Being one of our patients in the ward..he kinda stick to us coz he's cute & funny at times with such a sweet smile..Cool looking when he uses his sunglasses in the ward...As for now...i just pray hard for his recovery though i know he's going downhill in his health. No cure for his condition but we still give him the best care possible to make him feel comfortable. Will be on night shift again later so will see how's he is progressing. Quite sleepy now...do need my beauty sleep hehe..ganya..nda jua mau handsome bah mua ani...makin bida ada plg...haha..later ppl...will write more later if im not that busy at work...

My 2nd Day Off....

Woke up quite early hari ani around 12nn if i'm not mistaken despite of sleeping around 5am tadi..Thanks to mengusai my blog ani & thanks to Noy..my accomplice..Hehe..Jgn marah my dearest Noy. Anyway, was feeling bored so i texted my ward in charge, guess what did i ask her? I wanted to come to work..Kira volunteer la masa my off day ani. Colleagues at work says that i'm the most stupid person to do that; requesting to come to work on my off day. Gila kali pakah nya durang me ani..hehe. Kali jua ah..tapi andang jua udah ulah gila2 at work. Prefers to be the jovial type with my babies & children di wd atu. But sadly the boss said jangan tah datang keraja coz pesakit nda byk & cukup udah staff bekeraja. Boring tah ku tarus...Menalur bah di rumah ah!!

I think it was about 3pm...the ward boss called me up asking for my help to type the appraisal forms for the staff of the ward & clinic. Katanya, just received news from MOH yg the appraisal for this year should be submitted to the ministry before mid of the month. Mcm i'm just wondering why so soon coz i totally forgot today's date which place my boss & us, the seniors of the ward, very limited time to do appraisals for the staff. Since i don't have anything to do, suppose to belajar but nda jau mau belajar, i volunteered to do the data entry of the appraisal forms into the ward's desktop. Nda plg payah bah coz format udah ada so just adjust sana sini, make necessary amendments & enter those data. Started doing those things at 4.10pm & basically finished at 645pm. Dapat plg di siapkan laju & awal but i just took my own sweet time. Udah rasa kelaparan aka kebulur baru tah buat everything in a flash...al maklum la..bangun pukul berapa but didnt eat anything. Rushed home & tarus dinner...nowadays i try my best to have my dinner at least by 8pm or before. Haha..for health reasons plg tu...kiranya kan jaga badan la tapi i think i'm still the same..fat as ever before..Kekeke!!

Was browsing thru my external hard disk & noticed the pic that i saved for an email that i received from one of my friends. Its that pic at the top of this entry. An aerial night view of Clark Quay & Boat Quay of Spore. Made me miss the place that i used to call my 2nd home. Kan me baru jua abis belajar dari sana so really miss those places that i've been too di sana. Miss the delicious food, the clubbing areas esp those at Chinatown & Tanjong Pagar like Taboo & Play. At clark quay atu..jarang me ke sana coz not much of my type of crowd there. St James Power Station pun nda jua berapa jauh dari sana...pun top class clubbing place. Since i enjoy menari, biasa la..sampai je...nda payah di jemput ani bah...could find the dance floor in the dark...Hahaha!! But above all, i still prefer Taboo & Play...great crowds on Fridays till Sundays.

When i was in spore, i've got lots of things to do...window shopping, clubbing..hmmm window shopping, outings, clubbing, shopping..opps..looks like shopping & clubbing seem to be my main agenda there..i thought i was suppose to study. Well i cant study 24hrs a day, don't you think so? Work & fun comes hand in hand for me. Anyway did pretty ok on my course..thats important right? Singapore will be celebrating its national day soon. Happy Birthday Singapore!! Nice theme song...Congrats Hady Mirza!! Such a beautiful song!! Miss Singapore so so much!! Uwaaaaa...Kan nangis ku eh...

Tomorrow is my teaching day. Mentioned it in my preious entries. Hope that its going to be a smooth teaching session. Still havent got a clue on what topics to cover but its ok. I'm just the session impromptu!! Not that i've never done that before...luckily in all those cases, i did quite well..Haha..just my luck i guess.

As for my preparation for the exams on friday...havent started even a tiny bit...Malas bah kan membaca..but got to force myself to do some reading esok... C'mmon Duan..you know that you are strong in overcoming the Malas thingy so get ur freak on..eh...nama lagu tu..apa plg tesampuk nama lagi ani...get moving & get going la...atu baru tah ngam!! Give me support ppl...so that i wont slack...haha..which im prone to i suppose...Well, wish me luck for tomorrow's teaching sessions..hope they are some cute guys there...Boh..an begatal tah tu...Laku tah krg!!!

Feelings Slightly Uplifted....

Look how cute he is...That's my Danish..Amirul Danish to be exact...Not mine though..he's my bro's. He'll be 6 months this august. Always wondered if i would have one of my own..my flesh & blood...Haha when will that happen? Something to ponder right?

Anyway, its 4.30am now & I'm still wide awake..Wondering why? 1stly, slept basically the whole day!! Didn't have a good sleep on Sunday after my 1st night shift due to certain things on my mind. So paid back those deprived sleep hours after my 2nd night shift...2ndly, Had a good chat with my bestfriend Jus & chat online with my close friend, Noy, who helped me a lot with these blogging stuff. Thanks Jus & Noy!!

Received a txt msg from this someone that i'm falling for saying that he's gonna call me but sadly he didn't. Maybe he forgot to do so, maybe he decided not to do so or for whatever reasons i don't know. But nevertheless he is still in my mind. Missing him! I just think that he must be so tired after waking up so early to get ready & drove all the way to the capital for his work. He could also be having a busy day at work & went home very tired & decided to rest & sleep & totally forgot to call me. Just trying to think positively on what has happened. Just to let him know, i'm still waiting for his call..miss hearing him voive..miss hearing him call me abg, miss d smile on his face..basically miss everything about him..don't know he does feel the same way about me....

Texted my bestfriend, Jus & we went out for drinks at Zuki's Cafe in Seria in the later part of the evening while having an online chat with Noy, one of my close friends. Its been quite a while since i have such outings with Jus. Wasn't quite chatty with Jus coz she knew i was a bit busy doing stuff to my blog. Sorry for that Jus...i'll make it up to you..i promise!! But we did brought up certain issues pertaining to the latest news going round our place of work..oh yeah...Jus is in the same profession as i..classmates in fact..Hehehe!! Been best of friends since 1993. Both of us will be sitting for the promotion exams this friday but none of us have actually sat down & do our reading like what we are 'suppose' to do. Don't know what to read mah!! Kanasai!!

Noy who was chatting online with me was such a great help in improing my blog...Clever clever girl...or should i say clever clever big mama!! Jangan marah Noy!! Krg ku jual ko sama lakimu!! Keke!! But seriously Noy..i thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me. Such a good tutor & quite a demanding one la!!..Tacuut ku!! krg kana acut ku ulihnya..Ia ani lagi Cigu tapi Cigu apa..rahsia la..kan ..kan..Noy?!!

Im just wondering what am i gonna do later? Sleep is a definite thingy but after that..ntah ah..maybe go for my swim...Makin itam tah lagi ku ni...but no worries..i feel good, healthy & i look good thats more important...& gotta do my push ups jua eh...2 days no push ups..lain bah rasa badan ani...kalau rajin tarus sama sit ups a bit & use my dumbells...Not to buff up my body plg...just to keep it toned je..tapi toned kan? Haha perasan aku ah...nda jua berapa my badan ani...i still feel that i'm fat..kalau ku liat di ceramin plg tu...Maybe i am still fat...i wonder if the dietician would help me reduce my weight further & lose those side-skirts & bodykits that i have on me...macam kereta tah plg bunyinya badan me ani..What do u ppl think? Maybe its gonna be good for me to lose some more weights rite?

I still need to make time for myself to actually sit & do my reading for the exams la..i may look unworried but deep inside i'm so sacred & nervous...biasa la..senantiasa nervous when it comes to exams...mudahan tah sanag...but bila jua kan sanang kalau nda membaca..nda ja? Pandainye!!

In my mind right now are 2 things: 1) Will this someone call me & explain to me what happened to him on Sunday & Monday..i just need an explanation. Wanting to let him know how much i miss him jua tapi ntah ah...patut ka ku gitau ia catu? Krg malas ia kan mendangar...2) Can't help thinking about the group that i'm gonna teach 1st aid & cpr to Wednesday ani. Ok ka nda urg2nya?...Will they be able to understand apa yg kan me ajar & will they be able to cope? Sometimes me ani tebawa-bawa bah coz been teaching nurses about these stuff. So teaching the public about 1st aid & cpr is quite a mind-boggling thingy for me. I'm quite used to converse in english & doing presentations as well as lectures in english so kadang2 payah bah kan translate those terms into Malay...opps..jangan pikir me ani taiming or ambung ah...honestly i do feel more comfortable talking in english...bilingual la..mixed english & malay. Anyway, wish me luck...kalau ada jua good looking atu..siuk jua..bukannya apa..ada jua kan di urat..eh salah..ada jua kan di liat...See but don't touch policy..Haha..Banar kan nda tu?!!...

Loner's Blog Debut...

Today, 4th. August 2008 during my 2nd. night shift, i finally have the courage & time to create a blog of my own here. I used to have one but haven't updated it for such a long time. I was basically meant for the life experiences that i had while studying in spore last yr.

This yr marks my 12th yr working as a nurse...Wow...I lasted that long...most probably its due to my passion of working in the medical & health profession. Currently working in the children's ward, i found that my interest in caring for these babies & tiny tots have grown greatly which led me to further my studies in this specialised field. Working with them still fulfill me & makes me feel that i made a difference in their lives though caring for them was just a momentarily lapse in their lives..but who cares!! As long as i gave them my best care & attention during their stay in the ward, i'm sure the parents would appreciate & remember me..not that i expect recognition of the services that i gave Hehe...but it wouldn't hurt though to be appreciated & remembered.

The past few days have been quite a turnover in my daily life. Was actually feeling quite down with myself. Lately, i just feel that it's not worth living anymore. Really feels that im lonely in this world, no one cares for me..no one loves me for who i am, feeling that i've not done anything to improve my career, a failure in my love life,a failure in everything!! Why am i feeling so? I just can't find the answers to those feelings. People may say it's stupid of me to be thinking about those things but i really can't help myself to do so. People see me as the jovial person at work, at social events etc but what's deep inside of me, i manage to become a chameleon; hiding the true inner feelings thats raging inside me. I do hope that the feelings would fade & go away soon..coz its just killing me soft from within.

Currently i'm starting to have feelings of love with someone...someone younger than me...but i'm just feeling that this someone is not into me anymore. I know that this someone says he misses me & loves me but i'm just not too sure about that. He isn't the type of person that would clearly show & express his feelings but i just can't help thinking about him & his sincerity. Maybe because we just knew each other but i'm willing to learn more about him & i just hope that he's willing to do so about myself. Still trying to get use to his styles & ways of communicating & interactions but at times i do feel that i'm just there for him when he feels lonely. I do want to tell him how much i feel about him but i'm not sure that i can. I do know that the relationshp that we are having is kind of in a rush but i'm happy the way things are between the two of us. I do feel that at times, i meant nothing to him..i can't lie about that...but when he's with me, i do feel the chemistry between us. The ways he talk, behave when he's with me..everything makes me feel that i'm comfortable. I'm the type of person who is quite determined & hard-headed when its comes to making life choices, decision etc but when i'm with him..i just gave in to whatever he wants..not that he is a demanding person..he's this sweet guy who would make any guy happy & proud to have him as a partner. He is cute, no doubt about that, but its not his looks that im going for...its his heart & his personality aka characters that mystify me in each & every way. Makes him the mystery person that i really want to explore & be a part of me. The quest of getting to know him & understanding him drives me crazy...not hairwired crazy..but a good feeling crazy... :) The way he teases me doesn't hurt my feelings at all...kinda funny actually. How i wish i can tell him that he's on my mind 25hrs a day & im really falling for him.

Had just send in my application form to apply for a government sponsorship for my studies in Melbourne , Australia next February. Was given a full offer to do my degree in Monash University. I have yet to do my IELTS exams and in oder for my application to be considered, i need to achieve an overall score of band 7 in the exams. Kinda difficult i know..mainly due to my horrid grasp in english...but i'll definitely try my best..that's for sure...if its for the pursue of my career, upgrading my education, knowledge & future..i'll do whatever it takes to succeed.

I'm gonna have 2 off days & on wednesday, i'll be teaching first aid & cpr to the staff of Swiss Hotel. Venue will be Nurses Home but i'm not sure of the crowd that my colleagues & i would be facing. That reminds me...need to ask the HOD on what topics that he would like us to cover in the lectures & practical session. It a whole day thingy & i'll try to make the day a fun-filled one for them as well as an educational one i hope hehe...

This friday, 8th August, my bestfriend & i along with other colleagues from other nursing specialities would be sitting for our promotion examination conducted by MOH of Brunei. Still not quite sure with regards to the format of the exams & what to read..not study...in preparation for it. Some seniors say read these topics...some say other topics...i'm just mindstruck with their responses & told myself...'Relax...just do your best...its just an exam...something that i've done many times...the questions can't be that difficult if i put my mind into it...as for the promotion...there are more seniors that are in line for the promotion so don't ever think of getting mine soon..haha...not that i'm hoping for a promotion...holding a senior post isn't the easier way in a career...it means a tougher job with a whole lot of new & added responsibilities...not sure i'm ready for that...haha!! Still quite a ding dong in these things.

Oh shitt!! i can't seem to take my mind of that someone that i mentioned earlier...his face keeps popping in my mind...I am getting nuts, right? A standing ovation for those who agrees on this...The more i tried to not think about him..the more his sweet smiling face pops in my mind...Yeah yeah...i am thinking about him but does he thinks about me? He's sound asleep right now coz he's need to get up early & drive to the capital early morning as he works in the capital & only comes back to our hometown during the weekends. Nevertheless i do hope he makes time to see me & spend time with me. I doubt that he would but i guess i have to be ok with that. It would just show how much he thinks of me...Hey..hey..enough of those puking love tales..haha...im sure by now..friends reading my 1st blog entry would be nauseated..Hehe!! Don't vomit ah..but if wanna vomit..not on my blog ok..

Feeling kinda sleepy now but have to keep eyes wide open...partly to look after the children here & partly to finish up writing this 1st entry in the so called virgin blog of mine Haha!! Will post updates more soon..till then..pray for me so that my spirit would be uplifted soon...if not, i'll just sie & let my ghost haunt all those who read my blog....If i become Hantu...for sure a flirty, gatal, sarcastic Hantu lo!!